A632.6.3.RB The High Cost of Conflict

No one likes conflict and most will try to avoid it at all costs which can actually cause more of a conflict because the problem or issue is not addressed.  There are assumptions that can be made without confirming with the other party and feelings and emotions can become very high.  This week’s readings have opened my eyes to different and better ways to deal with conflict and how to resolve them in a more efficient manner. 

            Every year my daughter spends the summer with her dad from the last day of school and until about 2 weeks before school starts again in the fall.  This works well because she gets to spend time with her dad and I don’t have to worry about how to make my 10 hour days work to get her to day camp each day.  This also helps me pay down some debt since I don’t have to pay out for day care for her.

            Recently my ex-husband informed me that he was not going to take her until July because he and his wife wanted her to come when his step son was going to be there so the kids could spend time together.  I sent him an email asking him to reconsider the dates because ultimately she was there to see him not anyone else.   I laid out alternate dates and stated my position on this.  When I didn’t receive any responses for a week I assumed that everything was fine and that he decided to go with the new dates.  He sent me a text saying that he was sticking with the dates he had mentioned to me previously and that was final.

            We went both and forth through text messages until I called him to have an actual conversation.  He was very upset and starting talking about Christmas time and her upcoming First communion instead of discussing the matter at hand.  I was very confused at first until I realized that he had been holding in all these feelings and emotions about things that had happened previously but didn’t talk to me about.

            After I let him talk about what he was frustrated about I went back through his concerns and pointed out that he had to communicate with me about his concerns.  I finally got out of him that he would be in the middle of moving in June and that he didn’t want her to have to live out of a suitcase until the household goods arrived.  He also assumed that I had chosen a God Parent for our daughter’s first communion and that I didn’t let him know about it.  I explained to him I had no idea that she had to have another set of God parents for her communion because she already had God parents when she was baptized.

            I had to try to remain calm and not get mad because he was making all kinds of assumptions without actually talking to me about these things first.  Reading through Stewart Levine’s ten principles of new thinking there were a few ways on both parts that would have made this conflict easier to deal with.  With new thinking such as creating a partnership, being creative, becoming open, and disclosing information and feelings this conversation would have had a better outcome.

            Using these new ways of thinking we could have remained calm about the conversation and worked through the best way to approach the issues that he had by disclosing his feelings about what he thought was going on.  Reviewing these steps and thinking back to our conversation I feel that I would have done better by utilizing this for a quicker resolution.  By fostering collaboration instead of conflict we could have come up with some better ways to communicate in a more effective manner where we would both feel more comfortable.

This week’s material I believe will help me work through conflicts both in my personal and professional live.  I only wish I had this book about 6 years ago!

A632.5.5.RB. Protected Values in Decision-Making

After reading about protected values and working on the concept map it has opened my eyes on what I feel are my protected values.  I had to think about what my protected values were and how I was and am willing to go to protect them.  I would say that 100% of what I do is reflective of how it will affect my daughter either directly or indirectly.

I chose recycling, school and exercise as my protected values and how they would relate to her.  With recycling I have gotten her into that habit pretty early on.  In fact when we go places and she sees a can on the ground she will pick it up and give it to me to recycle.  At work I am the ‘recycle lady’ as I have set up my own recycling bin that I empty and bring home every few days.  I have gotten many people at work to start thinking “green” at home and have been told that they think of me when they recycle their water bottles and other items.

 By teaching her to be smart about the environment and understand it only takes one person I am instilling my protected values  on her.  Now do I recycle all the time?  No sometimes when I am cleaning out the fridge, I will throw a container away that I know is recyclable.  Do I feel guilty? Yes I do but I just don’t have the energy to deal with it unless my daughter calls me out on it and then I will because I have to follow through because that is what I taught her.  It also helps me to stay in line with my values of doing my part no matter what.

School is a big deal for my daughter.  Growing up I missed a lot of school and it had many consequences that I didn’t realize until I was much older, maybe even when I started taking my master classes.  I missed out on how to work out problems, social skills and just being a good student.  With my daughter I have a rule that no matter what school will not be missed unless she is sick and even then she has to have a fever.  Recently she missed two days of school because she was sick and after the first day she said she wanted to go back because she didn’t want to miss out anything.

I had the teacher give her all her missed work that she would have done had she been there so she would not be behind in her work.  I got asked why by many people.  To me this is something that is important in developing those good habits now she will continue these habits into adulthood.  The big picture is to understand that there are consequences to every action some good some bad.  Getting her to understand this has started to pay off in the fact that she doesn’t want to miss school. 

Her dad is going to be getting married in April and she is in the wedding and it will require her to miss a couple of days of school and she said that she would ask for her work while she is gone so she doesn’t miss anything.  I will stand by my values of the importance of school and how it will benefit her in the long run not only with school but with many decisions she will make in life.  I know it has changed the way I think and what I do as I have to be her role model.

The last protected value is exercise.  I feel strongly that being healthy is a very important part of our lives.  I have explained the benefits of exercising and being involved in sports in general as this helps in many areas.  Eating right goes hand and hand in this regard and she understands what is healthy versus what is not thanks to videos like Jamie Oliver on TEDtalks as well as listening to me talk to her about making wise choices with what she eats.  I may not get to work out every day like I want to but I make a point of doing some type of activity and getting her involved as well. 

The main point I get across to her is that she will be a stronger person both mentally and physically and it isn’t about weighing a certain amount but how you feel on the inside.  This will also instill good habits that will last a life time.

Looking back on these protected values I realize that there are certain things I am willing to give up to keep these values true and it helps influence my decisions I make.  Using the models from the Decision Maker text has also taught me how to evaluate these values and to make changes to keep more in line with these values.

A632.4.5.RB - Deception in Negotiations

This week we read about deceptions in negotiations and whether we realize it or not we are constantly negotiating in our everyday lives.  It can be as simple as deciding where to go for dinner.  My daughter would eat Wendy’s everyday if she could so she tries to negotiate with me on the reasons why we need to go there (don’t have to cook, easy clean up, etc.).  I in turn have to negotiate with her on why it is better to eat at home (healthier, cheaper, better for you) .  Chapter 11 talks about 4 ways to evaluate information during negotiations:

·         Ask direct questions

·         Listen carefully

·         Pay attention to non-verbal ques

·         Keep records and get things in writing

When applying for a job you hear the good things about that job and going through the interview process you and the employer are putting their best foot forward to present the best employee and employer have to offer.  When I was in my twenties I applied for a job at the mall working for an accessory store that sold jewelry and hair accessories.  I was told that I would work my way up quickly to management.  I knew a lot about the store as a customer so I knew that they also pierced ears.  I asked directly about this and was told that training would be done and that if I wasn’t comfortable with piercing ears myself I would not have to do this aspect of the job.

Once I was hired I found out quickly that everyone was told that they would move up quickly to management but only if they were full time.  This was a part time job for me as I was working full time already so I could not put in the hours that would be required to “prove” that I was management material.  The training they talked about for piercing ears was another employee who let the girls “practice” on her ears.  No certificate or actual training was done. I was told I had to start piercing ears at some point.  We also had to wear accessories from the store so that customers would see the product on and be more likely to purchase the item.  This included hair bows, necklaces and earrings.  At the end of the night these items were placed back on the shelf without being cleaned first.

I asked about of these things that I was not told during the interview and was told that this was just the way things were done.  Needless to say I didn’t last long there as I didn’t agree with many of the processes they had in place.  I mentioned talking to the regional manager and was told it came from higher than that and that I just needed to learn to deal with it if I wanted to work there.  I made it a month before I quit.

            An example of when I may have overstated a claim was when I was 19 I applied for a waitressing job at a nicer restaurant in town.  I was asked if I had any experience with waiting tables and I said yes I did when in fact I had never waitressed before in my life.  The manager asked some questions that I was able to answer without giving away too much to the fact that I had no idea what I was doing.  I really wanted this job and was determined to get it even if it meant I had to fib a bit to do it.  After my first interview I went to another restaurant and studied how the waitress handled themselves and went home and practiced carrying drinks and plates so I was comfortable enough if they asked me to do this in the next interview.

            I am pretty sure the manager knew I was full of crap but because I sounded convincing enough and had a positive outlook he hired me.  A few months later he finally asked me if I had actually waitressed before and I told him no but that I really wanted to the job and knew that I could do it if given the chance.  I worked my way up to manager before I left 5 years later.

            I knew that I would do well but felt I wasn’t going to be given a chance because of my inexperience.  If it had been something that I knew I would not do well in I would not have overstated my claim because I knew I would not have been able to pull it off.  With age comes wisdom and looking back at this experience I would have been straight forward with the manager and asked for a chance to prove myself.  In my current job I had no financial aid experience but I was pretty clear when I said that I would do my best to learn every aspect of financial aid and that they would not regret hiring me.  I did my homework and did research on financial aid and the school so I was prepared when negotiations started.  I was truthful and asked direct questions and listened carefully to what they had to say.

A632.3.4.RB - Reflections on Decision-making

This week the text talks about managing frames to make better decisions and how to avoid framing traps by giving us three main steps to manage our own frames.  By reviewing these techniques and utilizing them I can become a better leader.

Three ways to avoid framing traps:

See the frame by conducting a frame audit: surface your frames, understand frames of others, appreciate emerging frames.

We use framing to perceive, interpret, judge, choose and act so it is important to be able to conduct a frame audit of yourself.  You also have to be able to understand the frames of others and accept emerging frames as they come.  An example of this for me is something that happened recently between my mom and I.  We do not see eye to eye on a lot of things and part of that is because I have not allowed myself to see her frame nor have I let her see mine.  After many arguments and fights I finally decided that we needed to sit and get it all out in the open.

The biggest thing for me was to not getting defensive over anything she told me but hear her out and understand where she was coming from in other words her frame.  After she spoke I went back over things to make sure I understood what she was saying and then explained it from my frame work so that she could see where I was coming from.  It was hard at first but by the end of the conversation we both found that we could communicate better because we understood each better.  

I can appreciate her frame and I could see that my own frame has changed and emerged as something better…and that is a better visual of where my mom is coming from.  Instead of competing with her and her way of thinking I decided to cooperate and let her know I get it now.  My recommendation on this would be that we should have done this a long time ago and that we can’t let our past dictate our future.  The biggest lesson I learned about myself here was that I have to let go of things I can’t control.  I can’t make someone see things my way if I refuse to see it from their perspective as well.  We cannot become better if we cannot acknowledge what holds us back.

Identify and change inadequate frames: are your frames effective, observe symptoms of frame misfit, recognize key assumptions, question your reference points.

          Using the example above with my mom I realize that one of my framing issues was the symptoms of frame misfits.  There was difficulty in communicating with her and that was a weakness in my frame because I didn’t want to be proven wrong.  I wasn’t putting myself on the other side of this by asking what I was overlooking or not seeing. We were both making assumptions which were causing us to sift information differently.  Without coming out and talking through our issues we both assumed things about each other which can cause problems that can then turn into major issues if not addressed immediately.  My recommendation on this would be recognize key assumptions that I make and understand why I make them.  What can I do change this?  The lesson here is keep an open mind and be able to make changes to my frame.

Master techniques for reframing: using multiple frames, look for ways to align frames, challenge others reference points, and build new frames for new situations.

          This last one works well with my job.  As the verification manager I am responsible for making sure that everyone understands how the processes work and this is where multiple frame works come into play.  I have to ask myself how each counselor looks at each verification. What about the director or manager?  How will they look at it?  What am I overlooking when I read the procedures?  Each counselor is going to approach verifications differently so I have to look at ways to align everyone’s frames.

          I also have to challenge others reference points.  When a counselor makes a mistake and tries to say they didn’t know instead of saying they are wrong I ask them where they found their information and if they can explain why they did it the way they did.  This way I can see where the problem lays.  Is it in the way the training is conducted?  Is the manual not clear?  What can I do to make it easy to understand?  By asking myself these questions after seeing their challenges I can improve and build new frames from this.

          The lesson learned from this is to make sure I am not assuming that just because I understand the frame work everyone else will as well.  I have to be willing to build new frames and challenge what I know and others reference points.