A521.4.3.RB Subtleties of Communication and Hidden messages

            In chapter 4 Body Languages the authors talk about how more than 50% of our communication is nonverbal.  When you are around someone long enough you can pick up these nonverbal cues quickly.  I know that I am guilty of the incongruence when I am upset or stressed out at work. 

            For example, if I am working on a report that I know I have to get done as soon as possible and a coworker asks if I am busy because they need my help, I convey in my voice that I have plenty of time for them but my body language says something completely different.  When my voice is saying “sure I am glad to help” my shoulders slump and I find that I have to take a deep breath to calm my irritation down.  I am not irritated at my coworker but at my inability to get my work done.  My coworker may not know that I am being incongruent but I do.  If I can make myself more aware of this I can work on decreasing my anxiety and irritation.  I am the type of person who wears their emotions on their sleeve so you know when I am happy or upset just by my facial expression, tone of face and body language.  These are things that can always be improved upon by the exercises in the chapter.

            Body movements for me are another big one.  I gesture or “talk” with my hands a lot and use the nonverbal movements called illustrators.  When I am on the phone giving someone directions or explaining regulations I am actually gesturing as if the person on the phone can see me.  When I am describing something I will draw it out in the air with my hands.  My coworkers have tested me by making me sit on my hands and then talk.  I find that I become distracted and lose my train of thought.  I am not sure how much I can change in this area other than to try to control how much I use my hands by keeping them down by my sides or using smaller gestures.  I do find that it can either get and keep a person’s attention or it becomes a distraction because they are looking at my hands and not my face.  I try to read the person I am talking to and see if they are paying attention to what I am saying or if my gestures are distracting them and I will adjust to this by holding a pen or notepad in my hands to keep from getting carried away.

            One other area in chapter 4 that I found interesting was the proxemics or spatial relationships.  At work we are a close knit group so we mostly fall into the intimate and personal distance areas.  We touch when we talk to each other on the shoulder or arm and when we work on an issue together the personal space between us is very close.  I have noticed that when we converse with other groups we tend to be closer to them than they may be comfortable with and adjustments are made to get into a more comfortable zone with that group.  A big key to making sure I am not making others uncomfortable is to gage their body language and if they are being closed off I know I am too close.

            Chapter 5 Paralanguage and Metamessages was the most interesting for me because it involves vocal aspect of speech such as pitch, resonance, articulation, tempo, volume and rhythm.  I have noticed that when I talk on the phone I use resonance quite often.  When talking to a student who is angry I tend to make my voice a bit stronger to convey my firmness with them and I also articulate my words more and speak slower.  I also tend to soften my voice when I am talking to someone familiar on the phone.  I didn’t realize I did it until one of my coworkers pointed it out.  Then we decided to see if we each did it by listening to each other on the phone and sure enough we tend to change our tone and resonance when we speak to students or campuses on the phone to relate to that person.

            This goes with that saying that if you smile when you are on the phone the person on the other end can “hear” that smile as well and feel more comfortable with you.  If you are irritated it will come through in your voice.  This leads to tempo at which words are spoken.  I am very guilty of being a fast talker and anyone who has met me knows that when I get excited I talk faster.  I have been asked several times if I am from New York because of my fast tempo.  From the chapter I have realized that I also use this fast tempo when I am insecure.  When I think I am losing someone’s attention or I sense they are in a hurry I will talk faster so that I get everything in that I need to say.  I have been asked to slow down when explaining something because the listener couldn’t keep up with what I was saying.  I didn’t realize how fast I talk until I listened to a recording of myself that was used for orientation.  It was supposed to be a 5 minute explanation but I did it in 2 minutes.  Needless to say I had to slow down and do it several more times before it was at a tempo that everyone could follow.

             This is an area I know I need to work on.  One of the things I am trying to do is to slow down my breathing and pause between sentences and make a conscious effort to speak slower.  To my ears I sound like I am talking about as slow as a turtle walks but others find that they can follow my flow better.  When I doing training at our operations center I do make an effort to slow down and I ask if I am going too fast and adjust to my audience.  It is definitely a work in progress.

            One last area in chapter 5 I found interesting is the metamessages.  We may all be guilty of this from one time or another, however I have found after reading this section that there are certain people who do this all the time.  There is a coworker will spout out numbers on everything, “I have worked 100 emails today as well as 15 tickets, 20 call backs and I cleared 50 documents out of my queue.”  The emphasis is on this person and how much they have worked.  This tends to make others in the office feel as if we have done nothing all day long.  We have learned to not let it get to us but one has to wonder why this person feels the need to express themselves this way.  In this area I have done well to improve by not complaining or throwing out numbers as a compliant or gripe.  Yes we are all overloaded and stressed but making a point to complain about it in this way (metamessages) doesn’t do anyone any good.  Some people need to accolades so we let them do what they need to do to feel they are appreciated.

            Chapter 6 Hidden Agendas shed some light on not only me but some of my coworkers as well as family members.  For example, “I’m good” applies to a coworker who feels the need to talk about their wealth (my house is worth $650,000) any chance they get.  They will also make a point in telling their story to constantly paint themselves in a good light no matter what the situation is.  Of course no one is going to go out of their way to talk badly about themselves but I find that this agenda explains a lot about this person.  The agenda “you’re good (but I’m not)” reminds me of several people!  I used to be this way.  Always saying how good someone else was and how bad I was at a particular thing.  I don’t do this anymore but I hear it a lot from others.  For example, “you really understand this new system, I am never going to get it the way you do.”  This is usually followed by a request for help.  I find this as the chapter stated as an excuse to not adapt or change.  I suggest the best way to learn is to practice as that is how I learned.

            The last agenda I want to talk about is the “I’m Tough” agenda.  I read it and then had to reread it again.  This described me to the tee.  I have learned to do many things for myself so I have that chip on my shoulder that says “I don’t need you”.  I would rather fail at something than to ask for help because to me it shows weakness in myself.  I want to show that I am in control at all times.  This is something that I struggle with each day and I work hard to change this “I’m tough” persona. Admitting that I can’t do it all by myself is a big step for me in becoming a better communicator.  I joke at work that I need a sign that says “Confront me if I don’t ask for help”.  I believe my fear is that if I ask for help I will disappoint someone or they will lose faith that I can do it.  It is something that takes time and will be something that I will work on for the rest of my life.  These 3 chapters opened my eyes to different types of communicating and I hope to be able to read these signs better and use what I learned in each chapter to communicate better not only in my professional but personal life as well.          

A521.3.4.RB Personal Reflection

Everyone has a story about something that changed who they are as a person either for the better or worse.  I have two stories that have had a formative impact on who I am today and how I relate to others in my personal and professional life.  I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason and it is up to the individual person to find the positive in something that perhaps doesn’t have the outcome we wanted.

          My mom and step father went through a pretty ugly divorce in 1982 when I was around 12 years old.  My mom was dependent on my step father for many things, one being financial as he made more money than she did.  He also worked as a police officer so there was usually someone home to look after my brother, sister and myself.  When he left, he took the car, the TV, and many other household items that were necessary for us to live on.  This was done while we were visiting family in CT so when we came home to an almost empty house it was a big shock for us but especially for my mother. 

          My step father took it a step further and kidnapped my sister with the help other police officers and his family members.  He walked right into our house and picked up my sister (she was only 4 at the time) and used the lights as his signal that he had her and walked out the door with her while my mom tried in vain to keep him from taking her.  She got behind his car to try and stop him and was told by another cop that if she didn’t move out of the way he would arrest her. 

          We stood there as he drove off with my sister having no idea where he was taking her or if we would ever see her again.  Seeing the grief on my mom’s face is something I will never forget.  Soon after this she lost her job because she just couldn’t function and had no transportation. I had to become an adult at 12 years old.  I did everything I could to make sure that she ate so that she could keep up her strength while making sure that my brother and I still got to school and did what was needed including grocery shopping, homework, laundry, cooking, etc.

          After the initial disbelief that this could happen to us she pulled herself together and with the help of friends and family was able to get car and a new job.   She had to learn to do many things that she had always relied on someone else to do.  If there was a problem with the car, she figured out how to fix it.  She had to learn to become an independent person.  After a few months my step dad called my mom and told her he would bring back my sister.

          After this whole situation was over I saw my mom as a completely different person.  She was no longer dependent on anyone but she was also less trusting of people as well.  Watching my mom go through everything that she did and how it made her a stronger person whereas others would have given up has made me a big part of who I am today.  I know that I can’t let anything stop me from being the best that I can be.  That there are many people who are willing to help and will be there when the going gets tough.  The saying “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is something that I keep in my mind because of what we went through.

          From this experience I have learned that it is important to reach out for help when you need it and that though it is okay to depend on others it is also essential to know how to learn and adapt to new things (whether it is a new software program or new regulations).  It took me well into adulthood to understand this but it is something I carry with me every day as a reminder of how strong I am.

          In 1985, I was a sophomore in high school (around 15 years old) and I was a lost soul.  I hated school and swore that when I turned 16 I was dropping out.  I hated everyone and everything and no one could seem to get through to me.  Actually after a while everyone stopped trying to get through to me.  They said it wouldn’t matter and that I wasn’t going to amount to much anyway so why try? 

          My English teacher was a wise woman named Mrs. Meisch.  She had been a teacher for 20 years so she had pretty much seen it all.  She observed me for a few months before she tried to approach me one day during lunch.  Instead of lecturing me or putting me down she asked me how I was doing.  I didn’t even know how to respond to this.  Someone was talking to me and not at me for once.  She pushed my bangs out of my eyes so that she could see my face and she just talked to me.  She asked me about my life, my family, my friends, and why I was feeling that way I was.  No one else had done this. 

          She told me that I was the only person who could change me and that it didn’t matter what anyone else thought about me it only mattered what I thought about myself.  She found out that I had a love for dance and told me about auditions there at school for a dance troupe.  Her encouragement and positive outlook forced me to stop feeling sorry for myself and to do something about it.  I auditioned and made the dance troupe.  It was because of her that my outlook on school and life changed.  I stopped making myself the victim of my circumstances and did something about it.  This today is a big reason why I strive to be the best I can be.  I don’t let failures stop me from learning and growing.  I am not afraid of disappointing anyone else because I know I am giving my best and that is all anyone can ask for.  I maintain a positive outlook on everything as well.

          These two situations have had such a big impact on my life.  No one can change who you are only you can do that and only if you want to truly change for the better.  I had had many things shape who I am today, some good and some bad but throughout it all I have come out of it with a better understanding of who I am as a person and I learn, grow and adapt from them.  This has helped me become a better listener, problem solver, show compassion for others and a great team player in my organization.  

A521.2.3.RB Danger of Stories

This weeks TED video was powerful and eye opening.  Chimamanda Adichie was funny and told a very interesting, very pointed story about the “single story”.  I believe that we all at some point in our life have experienced the “single story” which is another way of stereotyping.   As children, especially girls, we listen to our parents read us stories of fairytale endings, the prince always rescues the princess and they go off to live happily ever after.  This single story though not negative puts that sensory message into a child’s head that as a girl or woman we must be rescued and that is the only way we will be happy.  We picture our “prince” riding in on his white horse, slaying the dragon and sweeping us literally off our feet to the magical castle where nothing ever goes wrong.

Chimamanda realized this single story when she went to visit Fede and his family in their village.  From the sensory messages her mother was giving her she pictured a poor family who had nothing.  Her single story was that Fede and his family were poor and had nothing because that was all she was told.  She formed her own conclusions as to what their family life was like based on her mother’s reminders that Fede was poor and had nothing.

I have experienced the single story myself.  I grew up living in a mobile home park more commonly known as a trailer park.  I would listen to people tell jokes and make fun of people who lived in these mobile homes as being ignorant, toothless rednecks who lived on food stamps and were very undereducated.   That their yards would have at least one car on bricks and maybe even a toilet or two scattered in the yard.   I even had a coworker who would describe a person usually a female as “trailer trash” and then she would look at me and say “oh no offense”.  By her saying this she was using the information she had been given, her “single story” and made the assumption that I too lived this way.  By saying “no offense” to me it was her excuse to continue to make these assumptions and thinking that I too lived like this even though I explained several times that where I lived wasn’t like that. 

It hit home for me when she talked about immigration and how she bought into the single story about connecting immigration with Mexicans because well when you turn the television or open a newspaper that is all you see.  I too realized that I was doing the same thing without knowing the whole story.  We are surrounded by the single story each day through television, newspapers and even social media sites such as Facebook and Twitter.

Chimamanda made some really wonderful points when she talked about creating a single story and how easy it is to do this by only representing only one side and only that side.  She goes on to state that though a single story is not untrue, it only shows one side and that story is incomplete because of this only one story is told but it is not complete you are not getting the whole story.  This video really made me aware that we experience the single story many times over and it is up to us to break the cycle of the single story because only then will we become empowered.

How I got scammed and how to spot one!

Every day we hear about how gullible men and women get scammed by people who claim to love them and get them to send these scammers money all the while they are lying and stealing not only trust but their hard-earned money.  These people will use anything they can to win your trust and most importantly they find your weak spot and prey on it until they have you where they want you and then they leap into action by getting you to sell your belongings, empty your savings account, and crush your dreams of believing all the lies they told you.  We all want to be loved, to be told we are beautiful, handsome, funny, caring, the most wonderful person on earth and this person says they want to share all these things with us.

I am about to share my own experience with one of these people.  Before we start though I will say I didn’t give him any money and went with my gut instinct (albeit a little late) on this because things weren’t adding up but I feel that it is important to understand how easy it is to get drawn into these situations and how to spot the red flags.

I was a member on a dating website and got an email from a guy who said all the right things to start “Hello Gorgeous, How are you doing hope you are well by the Grace of God as i am here,Well am new here on the site my name is Gray and will like to know more about you after reading your profile, if you don't mind you can drop me mail through my private email to tell you more about me and also send you my pictures.As am not always here on the site ( majorgraymiller a t y a h u u d o t cm ) hope to hear from you soon thank you...bye”  First sign here is the improper use of “I” and using things like “grace of God, God bless you”. Other telltale signs are the incorrect use of grammar and the fact that they want you to immediately email them through their personal email. 

The reason for this is that it is harder to track and report.  They may even tell you to close your account on the website because you mean so much to them they would just die if they “loss” you to another man.  Most will claim to have an accent and be from another country like Italy to explain their improper grammar.

My reply was very short and I said I was interested in hearing what he had to say.  His first email to me was very long and seemed to spell out his whole life story and included pictures of him as a very attractive soldier.  You can’t go wrong with a soldier, right?  You can trust them after all they serve and protect us.  Everything seemed to add up at first. 

So things are going well and within 2 days this person is confessing his love to me and how he wants to spend his life with me and how the ocean can’t keep us apart that it is only a matter of time before we will be together and spend our lives together.  He said his wife died 5 years ago and left him and his 10-year-old son here alone.  Then it comes….he has a secret that he can’t trust anyone with.  He told me that he had been given $2.5 million because he had saved the life of one of Iraq’s wealthy men’s wife.  Right off the bat, I was very suspicious of this. first of all why this wealthy man’s wife would be anywhere near where there was fighting and second that no one would think twice of letting this civilian onto the camp with a briefcase and no one searched it or questioned why the man would want to speak to him alone.

He claimed that the man was so grateful that his wife’s life was spared he had to pay him the only way he knew how.  And he had been sitting on this money for 3 months and needed to get it out of the country because they would be coming home soon and he needed this money to start his new life with me.

So of course he needed to know the nearest airport where this diplomat could drop off the package and he was trusting me with this money because he had no one else in the world he could trust.  I was to “pay” this diplomat for his services as a tip since he would be paying him on his end as well.  I questioned this as well because why would the military let this “guy” in the camp to take things back stateside to family members when soldiers were able to ship things home all the time.  He made up some lame story about how he has worked with this person for 15 years and everyone used this guy….blah blah blah.

Other red flags to this were that he couldn’t make any phone calls and I couldn’t see him on the webcam because security was really tight.  I am pretty sure all camps have phones and internet connections so soldiers can call home so he's telling me he couldn’t, was, of course, a lie of very many lies.  He did “risk” going into the commander’s tent so that I could see his face so that I would know he was real. This person looks similar to the pictures that he sent me which I am sure are done this way for a reason.

After a few days, he asked if I had heard from the diplomat, and when I said no he acted like he was very worried and that something had to have happened.  Of course, within a few hours, I get an email from the diplomat saying he had arrived in Ghana and that things were ok but that the customs agents had taken the package and were demanding to scan it unless the diplomat paid them $5000 so they would “look the other way”.  So the diplomat says he could only come up with $2700 but needed the other $2300 so that he could pay the custom agents.

My first question to “Gray” was, if this person is traveling the world to deliver packages surely he would carry enough money to deal with these types of situations.  I just kept asking him lots of questions but at every turn, he had an answer for why.  These people are very smart and they have been doing this for many years.  When I told him I couldn’t give him any money he tried to play on my emotions by saying that it was all the money he had and that he wanted to start a life with me and needed this money to do it.  When I continued to say no he begged harder and made promises that if I could just borrow the money from someone he would pay them back with interest.

I still refused and of course, NEVER had any intentions of giving him money to begin with.   I did some research and found out that the pictures he had sent weren’t him and that he had scammed many women so I told him I had busted him that I knew this person wasn’t him.  Then he confessed that the pictures he had sent me were his friend and that he really loved me and asked me to forgive him and then he started asking about the money again.  He kept emailing me and I finally had to block his email, messenger, and Skype so he can’t contact me anymore.

I felt really stupid for falling this scam and after doing more research online I found out I wasn’t alone and that many men and women go through this every day and many aren’t so lucky to figure out who these people are until they have given these scammers lots of money and have had their hearts broken.  I was lucky because I am cynical I guess though his words had me fooled in the beginning and I fell for his lies but got out when I grew suspicious.   The best thing you can do is go with your gut, if it doesn’t sound right or is too good to be true block, delete and ignore!  If you know someone this happened to DON’T lecture them on how they moved too fast or are too trusting, etc. just be there for them and be a shoulder if they need it.  The last thing they want to feel is even worse than they already do.  

Check out these websites for more information:

http://www.romancescams.org/

http://www.romancescams.org/RedFlags.html

http://www.whoscammedyou.com/scams/13779/Gray_Miller

A521.1.4.RB Stories in your organization

Most any university or college that a student is thinking of attending may require the use of financial aid in order to achieve their dreams of earning a degree.  Embry Riddle Aeronautical University (ERAU)—Worldwide is no different.  A majority of our students are working adults who are employed for companies such as Lockheed Martin, Boeing, major airlines, or active duty soldiers currently serving in the military and the need for a degree will help promote all of these students to the next level within their organization.

A common story for ERAU is that many of our students receive some form of financial aid in order to pay for their classes.  With over 150 campuses worldwide our students have received over $113 million in financial aid funding this year (ERAU website).  Without one of these types of funding many of our students may not be able to afford to achieve their dreams.  The Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA) is available to all students regardless of how much money they make or what their credit score might be.

The FAFSA will let the student know if they are eligible for the Pell Grant (which the student is not required to pay back) as well as what type of government backed Stafford loans they qualify for (subsidized and unsubsidized). 

There are several types of aid available to help pay for a student’s education at ERAU:

• Federal Pell Grant (for undergraduates)
• Federal Direct Stafford Loan Program (subsidized and unsubsidized)
• Federal Direct Parent Loan for Undergraduate Students (PLUS) for dependent students
• Federal Graduate PLUS Loan
• Federal Veterans Educational Benefits
• State programs
• Institutional programs

In addition to this, our military students may be able to utilize their military tuition assistance to cover the cost of their classes.  This common story definitely helps promote the goals and ideals of ERAU since our goals are to recruit, enroll, retain, and graduate our students to reach the next level. Financial aid helps to do this for our students.  Without some type of financial aid many of our students would not be able to takes classes through one of our 150 campuses or online.  I have had students call that are frustrated and desperate and even at the point of wanting to quit school because they either can’t get the financial aid they need or they can’t get their campus to help them.

One student in particular stands out for me in regards to the common story and financial aid.  This student was beyond frustrated with financial aid and the campus overall because no one took the time to explain how financial aid worked and he was ready to quit ERAU and attend another university. He relied on this funding not only for tuition but to pay his rent and other living expenses.  I could hear the level of frustration in his voice and I knew if I didn’t do something he was going to leave the school.

I kept a positive attitude throughout our conversation and took my time to make sure he understood how our tracks work, how it would disburse and when he would receive his funding.   At the end of the conversation he was not only happy but also started to call me “Wonder Woman” because he felt I went above and beyond the call of duty in helping him.  He said that I made him feel like a person and not just a number that “my experience at ER would not be the same without having her as my mentor, as most likely I would not be attending ER”.  This student not only finished his undergrad degree with ERAU he is now a grad student here.  This is a big part of the goals and ideals for ERAU, being able to use financial aid to achieve that dream by attracting, enrolling, retaining and graduating students.

A520.9.5.RB.Power

Are you comfortable developing sources of personal influence to gain power?

I feel that I would comfortable using my personal influence to gain power because it would be for the better of the organization.  It would be used to empower others and help them exceed their expectations.  Power needs to be balanced in order for it to work.  Power shouldn’t be used for my own personal gain and it is something that I will continue to work on and become more comfortable with.

Do you embody the characteristics of likeable people depicted in table 5.4 (pg. 290).

I can say that I definitely embody these characteristics pretty well but of course there is always room for improvement!  Being supportive to others by being open and honest with the relationships I have both at work and at home give me the confidence to be a better person and perhaps maintain long lasting relationships in and out of work.  When you are supporting others by helping them when they are overwhelmed with work or being honest with them when they make mistakes you are creating a loyal relationship with that person.  For example, our department is small and tight knit and we tend to fight like family however if we will defend each other to the death and will always back each up. 

They will know that they can rely on you in any aspect of their life.  It is important to be able to be emotionally available for others to support them.  You have to be able to empathize or sympathize with others and understand where they are coming from even if you can’t do anything to fix it you can be there and accept them for who they are.  Being and keeping a positive attitude makes a big difference in how you react to certain situations.  When you are upbeat and can accept others for who they are you can turn someone’s day from bad to good.  I find that my positive attitude (or positive Polly as my friend Leigh Ann calls me) is something that others look up to.  I have been told that my positive attitude is contagious and that when someone is down they can rely on me to bring them back up.  

It is important that you make sacrifices when needed to keep working relationships and even personal relationships working.  When I was approached by a friend at work who told me that she felt I was leaving her out of activities I listened and explained my side of the story.  I told her I didn’t realize that she felt left out and that I would make more of an effort to include her. It made me realize that you can’t expect any kind of relationship to just flow without some kind of work to maintain it.

Are you able to use influence both up and down your organization considering the information in table 5.5 (pg. 291)

After reviewing the information in table 5.5 I feel pretty confident that I would be able to use my influence both up and down my organization.  My directors’ goals are very clear and he makes a point to discuss with us what he is trying to do for us and our department.  There are a lot of pressures that he deals with on a daily basis between keeping up with federal regulations, student issues, meeting with his bosses and keeping his department running smoothly.

The only weaknesses that I see with my director is that he tends to take on so much meaning he wants to keep a lot of the pressure off of us so he will try to handle issues without us having to deal with them.  This in turn puts unneeded pressure on him that he shouldn’t have to worry about.  He also tends to be too nice from time to time.  He wants everyone to be happy but sometimes you just can’t do that.  I do understand why he does this though has it tends to keep us in harmony 99% of the time.

I know that when I bring something to my director that I feel with help with processes or a change in a regulation that may affect us he is open to suggestions and he listens and coaches me on how to move forward with it.  He is the type of person will do his best to make sure my suggestions are heard and will implement them if possible.  There are expectations that he has for me and I for him.  We have an honest and open work relationship and when I do something incorrectly I expect him to tell me and steer me in the right direction.  He knows he can depend on me to do my best and I can depend on him to guide and coach me to be the best I can be.

A520.7.3 Importance of Having a Coach and Mentor

In this week’s readings we have learned all about being a coach and a mentor and the differences of each one.  Being a leadership coach means working with a person within your organization who can coach you on how to be a more effective leader by communicating better, making objective decisions and influencing others in a certain time frame which in turn the person can use in their job as a leader.  On the other side you have leadership mentoring which can happen anywhere any time either professionally or personally.  We are being mentored or are doing the mentoring to some degree in our lives with our kids, in the work place, or with our significant others.

In my discussion I talked about my director being my mentor and how he doesn’t even realize he is doing it.  I watch how he interacts with others, be it his boss, his subordinates, or other coworkers within the organization.  His easy going personality and honesty make him someone to observe.  I try to put myself in his shoes and think of how he would react to a situation. I have asked him before how he does it.  How does he remain calm?  How does he approach a difficult situation?  Did his upbringing have anything to do with the type of person he is today?

He said first and foremost he steps back and looks at it from their side…what are they thinking?  How are they feeling about what the situation is (I have adapted this approach as well)? He also said that he observed his brother and father growing up and saw how they interacted with many different people and wanted to be like that.  This to me shows that when you see people following the “golden rule” it instills that belief in you as well.  When he speaks to you he is not talking down to you he is sincerely interested in what you have to say and what your thoughts are on a topic.  I know that I can ask him anything be it a question on financial aid or what the best plasma TV is to buy to even how to make a better personal budget for myself. 

He doesn’t give you the answer, he wants you to think about it and come to your own conclusion and if it is wrong he will guide you in the right direction without giving you the answer.  The reason is by giving me the answer I will not learn but if I think about it and figure out how to solve the problem I am now being empowered to understand and increase my learning.  This is like the saying “you can give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but if you teach him how to fish he will eat for a lifetime”.

This leads to me to how I am a mentor.  I don’t realize (or didn’t until now) that the teachings I am instilling in my daughter how to be a better person (be kind, helpful, sincere, polite, studious) are aspects of mentoring.  My goal is to get her to think critically about life and how it works.  That there is a reason for everything no matter how big or small it may be.  For example, she was grumpy one evening and didn’t want to do her homework and complained about how unfair life was and how hard it was.  So I thought how do I make her understand how easy she has it?  I told her to close her eyes.  She asked why but of course I asked that she just bear with me she would find out soon enough.  I then asked her to tell me what she saw.  She said only darkness.  I said now imagine that is all you can see, that is all you know.  You can’t see the sky, or colors or anything else other than that darkness.  She said that she wouldn’t like that very much.  Then I asked her to try to reach for her bottle of water with her eyes still closed.  She did try but was way off and said as much.

Then I asked her if she still felt that life was unfair and too hard to deal with.  She said no that she was very lucky to be able to see when many others cannot.  Instead of just ignoring her whining and letting her complain I wanted her to understand that things we may find easy or that we take for granted are things that others don't.  Like my director does for me by making me think I did for her by making her think about her own statements. 

I feel that you can learn many things from the people around you (hopefully only the good things) and if there is someone who you feel can help you become a better person, leader, etc. that you have to take the opportunity to observe and ask questions of this person to sit down with them face to face or chat with them via email or webcam.  The learning experience will well be worth it and you will become a better person and a better more effective leader for it.