What are some standards that are most important in your life? How did you acquire these standards? How have they changed over the years?
When I ask myself this question of what standards are important in my life I must say that it is being a good parent to my daughter and teaching her well. No one wants to be a bad parent and I don’t think any of us set out that way. But for some it ends up going south with no hope for turning it around. Growing up I said that I would never want to be like my mom. I would be different; better, nicer, let my kids do whatever they wanted.
Well now that I am a (single) parent I understand things a lot better and I can stand back and look at things from a different perspective. I grew up with a single parent. My mom worked two jobs most of my young life. I had to learn to be responsible at a young age. That meant taking care of my sister and brother, learning to do the laundry, getting groceries and even driving at 14. I rarely got to spend the night at my friend’s house because I needed to be home so my mom didn't have to hire a babysitter because we couldn’t afford it. When I was able to get a job my whole paycheck went to my mom so I could help her out.
My mom wasn’t a bad parent because of this if anything we learned to entertain ourselves, we were more creative and we never complained about things we didn't have because we didn’t know what we were missing. What my mom didn't do was to communicate with us especially me. I was the oldest therefore I had the most responsibility. My adopted father left when we were very young so I don’t remember much about him other than him throwing a knife at the windshield of our car when my mother left him or the time we watched him shoot our family cat because she scared me one night. When my step father left I was 12 years old. I always thought it was because we weren’t good or didn’t listen as well as we should have. She never sat down and really talked to us about these kinds of things or anything really. Not about drugs, sex, self-respect, love or trust. It just wasn’t how it was done.
There was no open communication. When my mom said something and I questioned her as to why I couldn’t do it I was told “because I said so”. Those were the four most hated words in my vocabulary for many years! Now as a parent I have found those same four words on the tip of my own tongue. What a shock the first time it almost slipped out. How could I even think of saying those words?!
I always said I would be honest with my daughter unless I knew by being honest it would be very hurtful. It is this very thing I didn’t have growing up. I ask questions of my daughter when I see she is thinking and processing something inside her mind that I know will create a question. There are some things that are outside her area of understanding but knowing that I am ready (at least as ready as I think I am) when the time comes to answer even the hard questions makes me happy.
Watching my mother struggle every day and see how overwhelmed she was and how beat down she seemed helped me want to do better. I watched the things she went through and knew that I would do better because I would not let myself go through those same struggles. I set my standards at a young age though I was naïve about it I knew the only way to be better was to not repeat her mistakes. Of course we can’t always control everything that happens in our lives but we can always change it for the better. One of mine was being the first person in my family to get a college degree.
One of the biggest things I acquired from my mother that she would be surprised to know is that I got my inner strength from her. She could have given up many times but she didn’t. She pushed through it all and kept going to better our lives. It is those times that helped me get through the bad times in my life when I lost my baby or had to put my dog down or when I went through my divorce. It was her strength and the power of love that my daughter gave me that kept me going those three years.
As an adult some of my standards have changed for the better of course. I know that there are certain things I cannot control. But if I can arm my child with knowledge and the know how I have already done my job and kept my standards at a level they need to be at. She knows about self-respect and that she can ask me or tell me anything without fear of getting into big trouble. She is learning that there are consequences for her actions and that not all of them are good.
She too has had to go through some tough things at an early age I wish she didn’t have to and seeing my struggles with things that are beyond my control. What she does see come out of that is a stronger person. She will see that bad things will happen but that there is always going to be brighter side to things no matter how bad they may seem to be at the time. She is already wise beyond her years!
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