In chapter 4 Body
Languages the authors talk about how more than 50% of our communication is
nonverbal. When you are around someone
long enough you can pick up these nonverbal cues quickly. I know that I am guilty of the incongruence
when I am upset or stressed out at work.
For example, if I am working on a report that I know I
have to get done as soon as possible and a coworker asks if I am busy because
they need my help, I convey in my voice that I have plenty of time for them but
my body language says something completely different. When my voice is saying “sure I am glad to
help” my shoulders slump and I find that I have to take a deep breath to calm
my irritation down. I am not irritated at
my coworker but at my inability to get my work done. My coworker may not know that I am being incongruent
but I do. If I can make myself more
aware of this I can work on decreasing my anxiety and irritation. I am the type of person who wears their emotions
on their sleeve so you know when I am happy or upset just by my facial
expression, tone of face and body language.
These are things that can always be improved upon by the exercises in
the chapter.
Body movements for me are another big one. I gesture or “talk” with my hands a lot and
use the nonverbal movements called illustrators. When I am on the phone giving someone
directions or explaining regulations I am actually gesturing as if the person
on the phone can see me. When I am
describing something I will draw it out in the air with my hands. My coworkers have tested me by making me sit
on my hands and then talk. I find that I
become distracted and lose my train of thought.
I am not sure how much I can change in this area other than to try to
control how much I use my hands by keeping them down by my sides or using
smaller gestures. I do find that it can
either get and keep a person’s attention or it becomes a distraction because
they are looking at my hands and not my face.
I try to read the person I am talking to and see if they are paying
attention to what I am saying or if my gestures are distracting them and I will
adjust to this by holding a pen or notepad in my hands to keep from getting
carried away.
One other area in chapter 4 that I found interesting was
the proxemics or spatial relationships. At
work we are a close knit group so we mostly fall into the intimate and personal
distance areas. We touch when we talk to
each other on the shoulder or arm and when we work on an issue together the
personal space between us is very close.
I have noticed that when we converse with other groups we tend to be
closer to them than they may be comfortable with and adjustments are made to
get into a more comfortable zone with that group. A big key to making sure I am not making others
uncomfortable is to gage their body language and if they are being closed off I
know I am too close.
Chapter 5 Paralanguage
and Metamessages was the most interesting for me because it involves vocal
aspect of speech such as pitch, resonance, articulation, tempo, volume and
rhythm. I have noticed that when I talk
on the phone I use resonance quite often.
When talking to a student who is angry I tend to make my voice a bit
stronger to convey my firmness with them and I also articulate my words more
and speak slower. I also tend to soften
my voice when I am talking to someone familiar on the phone. I didn’t realize I did it until one of my
coworkers pointed it out. Then we
decided to see if we each did it by listening to each other on the phone and
sure enough we tend to change our tone and resonance when we speak to students
or campuses on the phone to relate to that person.
This goes with that saying that if you smile when you are
on the phone the person on the other end can “hear” that smile as well and feel
more comfortable with you. If you are irritated
it will come through in your voice. This
leads to tempo at which words are spoken.
I am very guilty of being a fast talker and anyone who has met me knows
that when I get excited I talk faster. I
have been asked several times if I am from New York because of my fast
tempo. From the chapter I have realized
that I also use this fast tempo when I am insecure. When I think I am losing someone’s attention
or I sense they are in a hurry I will talk faster so that I get everything in
that I need to say. I have been asked to
slow down when explaining something because the listener couldn’t keep up with
what I was saying. I didn’t realize how
fast I talk until I listened to a recording of myself that was used for
orientation. It was supposed to be a 5
minute explanation but I did it in 2 minutes.
Needless to say I had to slow down and do it several more times before
it was at a tempo that everyone could follow.
This is an area I
know I need to work on. One of the
things I am trying to do is to slow down my breathing and pause between
sentences and make a conscious effort to speak slower. To my ears I sound like I am talking about as
slow as a turtle walks but others find that they can follow my flow
better. When I doing training at our
operations center I do make an effort to slow down and I ask if I am going too
fast and adjust to my audience. It is
definitely a work in progress.
One last area in chapter 5 I found interesting is the
metamessages. We may all be guilty of
this from one time or another, however I have found after reading this section
that there are certain people who do this all the time. There is a coworker will spout out numbers on
everything, “I have worked 100 emails
today as well as 15 tickets, 20 call backs and I cleared 50 documents out of my
queue.” The emphasis is on this person
and how much they have worked. This
tends to make others in the office feel as if we have done nothing all day
long. We have learned to not let it get
to us but one has to wonder why this person feels the need to express
themselves this way. In this area I have
done well to improve by not complaining or throwing out numbers as a compliant
or gripe. Yes we are all overloaded and
stressed but making a point to complain about it in this way (metamessages) doesn’t
do anyone any good. Some people need to accolades
so we let them do what they need to do to feel they are appreciated.
Chapter 6 Hidden
Agendas shed some light on not only me but some of my coworkers as well as
family members. For example, “I’m good”
applies to a coworker who feels the need to talk about their wealth (my house
is worth $650,000) any chance they get.
They will also make a point in telling their story to constantly paint
themselves in a good light no matter what the situation is. Of course no one is going to go out of their
way to talk badly about themselves but I find that this agenda explains a lot
about this person. The agenda “you’re
good (but I’m not)” reminds me of several people! I used to be this way. Always saying how good someone else was and
how bad I was at a particular thing. I
don’t do this anymore but I hear it a lot from others. For example, “you really understand this new
system, I am never going to get it the way you do.” This is usually followed by a request for
help. I find this as the chapter stated
as an excuse to not adapt or change. I
suggest the best way to learn is to practice as that is how I learned.
The last agenda I want to talk about is the “I’m Tough”
agenda. I read it and then had to reread
it again. This described me to the
tee. I have learned to do many things
for myself so I have that chip on my shoulder that says “I don’t need you”. I would rather fail at something than to ask
for help because to me it shows weakness in myself. I want to show that I am in control at all
times. This is something that I struggle
with each day and I work hard to change this “I’m tough” persona. Admitting
that I can’t do it all by myself is a big step for me in becoming a better communicator. I joke at work that I need a sign that says “Confront
me if I don’t ask for help”. I believe my
fear is that if I ask for help I will disappoint someone or they will lose
faith that I can do it. It is something
that takes time and will be something that I will work on for the rest of my
life. These 3 chapters opened my eyes to
different types of communicating and I hope to be able to read these signs
better and use what I learned in each chapter to communicate better not only in
my professional but personal life as well.
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